Staying Together

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."

     - W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), French born author

Recently someone asked me what I thought was the secret to longevity in a marriage. This person had been divorced twice and was currently trying to make one of his new relationships work.

This isn't the type of question I'm inclined to think about a lot, but when I do I usually consider my own marriage. Elisabeth and I have been together for almost four decades, and while we've had our share of ups and downs, I think if you asked us, we'd both say we've mostly enjoyed our time together. Each of us has changed a lot over the years, and while most of the changes have not been too hard to deal with, a few have been gut-wrenching. Always, we've managed to work our way through them and eventually accept them in each other.

I believe one thing that has allowed this to happen has been the freedom and encouragement we've given each other to be the person we wanted to be, to grow as individuals rather than becoming extensions of each other. At times we've both wanted to go down paths that were very uncomfortable for the other, and it was almost always easier to resist her need to move in a new direction than it was to promise unbridled support.

Usually though, after discussing things, we'd acknowledge the possible disruption to our marriage, agree to accomodate it, then forge ahead. While every change hasn't worked out for the best, most have, and what has resulted has been a richer, more interesting, life for both of us.

As I think about this, I recall the words of Kahlil Gibran in his essay "On "Marriage" in The Prophet: "But let there be spaces in your togetherness/And let the winds of the heavens dance between you/Love one another, but make not a bond of love." 

It's difficult to say it any better than that.