The Face in the Mirror

"You can live a lifetime and, at the end of it, know more about other people than you know about yourself. You learn to watch other people, but you never learn to watch yourself."

    - Beryl Markham (1902-1986), English aviatrix

Have you ever gazed at that face in the mirror in the morning as you shaved, brushed your teeth or applied your make-up, and asked yourself, "Who are you?" Have you ever pulled out your favorite snapshots and seen yourself, either alone or with others, and wondered "Who is that person?" I have, and I don't always have an answer, at least one that I feel is very serious.

No, I'm not going nuts--at least I don't think I am--but every now and then it occurs to me that rarely do I take a good hard look at myself. I really don't spend much time thinking about who Ron is and how he affects other people. Yeah, I know, I AM going loony tunes, but bear with me for a minute. How would you answer me if I asked, "Who are you?"

Do you have any idea who you really are? How others see you? Most of us would probably say, "Sure, I know myself," and proceed to prove it by listing all the facts we could think of, then maybe throwing in a couple of things we believe in or feel strongly about, and that would be the end of it. 

But would that list of facts capture the essence of you? Would someone who knows you well describe you in the same way you describe yourself?

When I worked for a living, my company would sometimes require us to attend training designed to help us become more aware of ourselves and how our behavior impacted those who worked around us. I recall an exercise that asked us to go to five friends who we felt knew us well and have them answer a series of questions describing us, questions that we ourselves had answered in advance. I was sometimes flabbergasted at how much variation there was between their answers and my own.

We also utilized what we called upward appraisals. These were used to allow those who reported to us to anonymously rate our performance based on a list of attributes that effective managers were supposed to possess. Again, we rated ourselves and compared our self-assessment to that of our subordinates. There were always some surprising contradictions between how they saw me and how I saw myself.  

Assuming we're interested, how do we discover who we really are, what we're really like? We can ask others, as I've pointed out, but in a non-business situation we may not get completely honest feedback because of the lack of anonymity. There are exceptions, of course. When someone's really miffed at you, you usually get feedback they'd never share with you in calmer times. You might even find yourself returning their favor if you get hot under the collar too. Hey, it happens.

Given the difficulty of getting honest input from others, maybe we'd be better served by figuring it out for ourselves. How do we go about that? Arranging for a little solitude, so that you can ponder uninterruptedly about yours truly may help you find some answers, but you need a good list of questions to aid you in your introspection.  It would also be smart to take a pen and paper or voice recorder to your place of refuge lest you lose track of all your personal revelations.

So what kinds of questions might you ask yourself? I'd suggest you come up with your own, but if you'd like a suggestion there are a couple that have been valuable to me when I've decided I need to think more deeply about myself. You know--those times when you've just had a fight with the missus and she's informed you that you don't have a clue--about anything. It's those occasions my friends, when you go to a mirror or other reflective surface, look yourself straight in the eye and ask, "Would I want to be married to me?" After you've given a "yes" or a "no," the follow-up question is, "Why?"

Your honest response might provide you with some new insights about yourself that could be helpful in having a better relationship with your kids, your neighbors, your friends, your co-workers, your family, your parents, your customers,your team-mates, almost anyone. Yes, even your spouse.  But first, you gotta want to know...

Update: So my two questions just aren't enough to get you started? Okay. There's lots of help for anyone who'd like to pursue this. 

Sheila Bender has written an excellent book titled A Year In The Life: Journaling for Self-Discovery that leads you through a year of journaling that will help you with your self-refection.

Margaret Tiberio's The Book of Self-Acquaintance: A Guided Journal attempts to help you better understand who you are by posing questions that will assist you in discovering what shapes your choices, engages your emotions and compels you to action. As you work your way through this neat little book, you will gain insights that will help you in all aspects of your life.

Finally, here's one for the guys. It's titled Mightier Than The Sword: The Journal as a Path to Men's Self-Discovery and was written by Kathleen Adams. She calls it "a step-by-step guide for men everywhere to knowing and appreciating the emerging self, using a tool that is mightier than the sword--a pen."